This ain't Dunkin Donuts...

I ran out of Dean's Bean's coffee today, with no hope of getting more until the weekend. This qualifies as a Defcon 1, "Turn your key, sir..." emergency, so I punched "Worcester coffee roasters" into Google hoping to find something better than pedestrian Starbucks. Up popped Acoustic Java, a coffee shop on Main St. next to Clark University. Jenn and I have been meaning to check this place out, but after seeing it we come across a squirrel, or a shiny dime and immediately forget. Jenn's at camp this week, and the twinge of guilt I feel for going without her is quickly dispatched by the caffeinated gorilla I carry on my back. Off I go, like Ferris Bueller's parking valet.

The smell of good coffee hits you when you open the door,  and when I ask the pleasant girl behind the counter for a pound of Ethiopian, she asks if I'd like medium roast or dark."Both!" I reply, channeling Augustus Gloop. She then points out the buy two, get one free special and suggests a pound of Rwandan to complete my African coff-ari - AND would I like a free cup?! I take my coffee and my Mona Lisa smile over to a table to be a fly on the wall for a few minutes.

This place is fun! My barista is sporting a variety of tats, a tasteful Tibetan monk outfit, and a Sinead O'Connor hairdo. There's Too Skinny Euro Guy sitting in the back having a Vulcan mind meld with his Macbook. There's one of these guys in every coffee shop, they should unionize. Snippets of conversation drift by, on one side a discussion of Christianity, yoga, and one mans claim to be a Frisbytarian. He believes that when he dies his soul goes up on the roof and he can't get it down. On the other, someone is monologuing on the merits of speed metal ska bands.

I'm totally coming back here with Jenn. The coffee is top notch, and I'm pretty sure I could wear my full pelt coyote mountain man ice fishing hat and no one would blink. In August.

Childhood Memories

I'll add to this as I think of them.

Climbing to the tops of the 40 foot pine trees behind Wilson's house on a windy day so we could ride the gusts. Never considering the fallout of a broken branch...Stick fights in the pine woods behind Hodgkins! Like a snowball fight with an amped up pain factor. The only rule was you couldn't aim for the head... Sneaking bites of oatmeal cookie dough from the mixing bowl when my mother wasn't looking, then licking the beaters when she was done...Catching green crabs in the rocks at York Beach with my brother Donny, then tipping the bucket out onto the blanket that our older sister's were sunbathing on. We took a beating for that one, we were laughing when we should have been running....riding my bicycle to my first girlfriends house in sixth grade. Funny how her mom put her in private school that next year...They weren't snowball fights, they were campaigns that lasted for days and were fought with trench warfare across the neighborhood...Racing homemade gocarts (we called them gigs) down our hill. If you were lucky you had a 2x4 brake, otherwise the bottoms of your Converse All Stars didn't last very long...I was the Tim Wakefield of whiffle ball...Swimming at the lot in Dudley on Hayden pond. Donny would hold the fishing pole, I would swim with a mask on and dangle the worm and hook in front of the bass's face. True sportsmanship..Heading out on trails through the woods towards Holden. Lots of treasures to be found in an illegal dump behind the old Higgins Mansion on Salisbury St. After a few weeks the owners wised up and started kicking us out, so we followed the trail further back in the woods and came upon a bottle dump from the 1800's. This lasted for a few more weeks of digging until we were spotted and evicted again... Digging a hole in the middle of the garden for a Burmese Tiger Trap to catch any animals that might wander through. Sid made us fill it in...Sleeping out in tents and roaming the neighborhood when everyone was asleep, picking peaches from the tree in the backyard, block parties... the list goes on and on.

Love and Warmth

My friend's dad who we dearly loved had diabetes and poor circulation. He could never get warm enough, so we set his room up with zone heating and an air duct to the wood stove in the basement. His dad could grow orchids in that room, but when he'd go out into the rest of the house he'd be cold again. He'd sneak over and bury the dial on the thermostat for the main part of the house, then forget to turn it back when he returned to his room. For years my friend and I had a running joke about the heating oil bill. We poked fun at how his dad was getting carpal tunnel from turning up the thermostat, how my friend didn't need a cellar light because the cherry red glow from the burner was illumination enough, how the smoke coming from his chimney looked like the Bismarck at flank speed, etc.,etc. "What's the Honeywell set for today?' was a common topic of conversation. One day I heard the news that his dad had passed on. I headed straight to Home Depot, then for my friend's house. He looked exhausted, but broke into a long belly laugh when I handed him a Honeywell round thermostat for his dad. Everyone who knew his father knew why it was set for 90 deg., and sitting on the lid of the casket at the wake. It brought a smile to many faces on a sad day.

Sometimes humor at a funeral can warm the heart.

Birth Day

The spiritual gift of salvation is the greatest of all, but the best physical gift I've received is my daughter. On the day she was born, I went to the nursery and sat down in an oak Windsor rocking chair. My daughter was handed to me for her first bottle. As I held her, all of the possibilities for her life played out before me, and I felt the love and responsibility and deep bond towards her that somehow God feels for me. I sang to her and told her silly jokes as she slept in my arms. There is no material thing on earth that compares with that.

Divorce Drama

Here's a snippet of my dating profile, wish I could find the rest. I added it after a 6 month detour with someone not for me. Drama seems to be a common theme, and it means something different to each person. Persistence and prayer are the keys to Internet dating, and they payed off with my most excellent wife.

"Ok, that didn't work out so well. Please, please, if you have unresolved issues with substance abuse or haven't come to grips with the demons from your past, I will get down on my knees and pray with you, but I don't want to date you. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm finally at a place in life where the drama seems to be in the rearview mirror. I'm hoping that you are too. I'm searching for a woman that can be a true partner, not someone looking for a white knight. Someone who is naturally happy with herself and her life. Someone filled with the Holy Spirit who is trying their best to walk with God. Someone who is reeeally quick, who I can volley non sequiturs back and forth with and when one of us can't think of one it's fifteen - love. Someone who is outgoing and gregarious, or to paraphrase one of my dad's old sayings, "she could have fun in a paper bag". (I love old sayings, by the way) I'm hoping to meet you soon!"


Excerpted from "That's a Jenn Story", June 21,2011 post. "Dudes, Really?"

http://www.thatsajennstory.com/

"2. What are you saying when you put “Drama free” in your tag-line? Are you trying to tell me that you will not break down and cry at every little thing? Or are you trying to tell me you can’t handle it if I get emotional? And if you can’t, why not? There’s “burned before” and there’s “afraid of one’s own emotions.” Probably in either case, we all need therapy. I usually assume that if I have to wonder about this, the guy in question would consider me dramatic and therefore I should steer clear."

My reply -

Having been on a lot of first dates, I’ll take a stab at number 2. There’s a code here that mainly applies to people who’ve been through a divorce. For me, drama free means that you’re at a place in life where you’ve come to grips with your past, and you’re looking forward to the future. It doesn’t mean you can’t shed a tear, or have a bad day. Most of the men and women on the site are divorced. Our world is just getting back to normal, we would rather not date someone who’s life looks like the break on a game of 9 ball. A good example of drama is the ever popular first date question “Why did you get divorced?” If the answer is an eyebrow singeing forty minute diatribe of what that SOB did to me, drama is alive and well. Google image the old Maxell “Blown Away” poster, you’ll see how it feels. You can’t deny the raw pain that goes with divorce, but it needs time to heal, or at least scar over. Unfortunately, too many people try to self medicate with a new relationship. IMHO they should be in a DivorceCare group learning a healthy, Christian way to cope, and not a Christian Dating website.

Surviving Divorce

In 2007 I completed the DivorceCare program and was asked to give a testimony to the congregation of Holden Chapel. Pastor Tom has a sense of humor, he scheduled this on Valentine's Day.

"Twenty four years ago, I was 22 years old. I was led by the Lord to a church in Marlboro, MA. where I accepted Jesus into my life, was baptized, and filled with the Holy Spirit. I continued with this church for a time, but I was young and stupid. Being a Christian is like climbing up an escalator going down. If you stop, you end up where you were. In the parable of the Sower, I was the seed planted in rocky ground, and I drifted back into a worldly life.

I was 33 when I got married for every wrong reason. When your standing at the altar, convicted by God that your not doing the right thing, and the best you can come up with is “Well, maybe this will work out...” your not embarking on the greatest love story of all time.

I won't speak about the details of my divorce, other than to say that it was contentious, and the most difficult issues were and still are related to custody and visitation. I'm at peace with the decision I made to leave, and God is blessing me with a wonderful relationship with my daughter that I never would have had if I had stayed.

What does divorce feel like? Mark 10:9 says “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” To that I would add “ or it's going to really, really hurt”. The mental and spiritual pain was overwhelming and crippling. Taking life one day at a time was too much to handle. Sometimes it was an hour at a time, or on court days “Lets just get through the next 10 minutes.”
Nothing in life was scarier than having total strangers who don't know me decide when or whether I'd be allowed to spend time with my daughter. I had to find a way to explain my leaving to her, and to reassure her that I was still her dad. I had to pay a lawyer a lot more money than what an uncontested divorce would have cost. I had to learn to live on half of my salary. I had to set up an apartment from scratch. When I left, I tried to take a couple of days off from work. I was a construction supervisor, and I was getting phone calls for things that “ only I could handle ” while I was out charging a twin mattress and blanket so that I'd have something to sleep on that night. The woman that pulled up next to me in BJ's parking lot must have wondered why I was crying.

Every day I was looking to God for help. I knew that I was still his son and always would be, and that he would answer. I was attending a mandatory divorce class run by the state of Massachusetts, where I met a woman who spoke highly of the DivorceCare program at the Holden Chapel. I had been seeing a secular counselor, but it left me feeling empty inside, and I needed something different.

My first night at DivorceCare I walked into a room full of women. Sitting near the door seemed like a good idea. Judy Groves, who runs the program, welcomed me and assured me that other men did attend. If you don't know Judy, your missing out. She is the perfect moderator for DivorceCare, with just the right mix of professionalism, humor and empathy. Now if only she can figure out the DVD player. Jan Hanson works with Judy, filling in when she's not there, and always offering her support to all. Judy and Jan are performing a great service to people in need through this program. Matthew 6:20 talks about storing up your treasure in heaven, and not on earth. Some day, many years from now, I'll visit Judy and Jan in heaven, because they'll be the ones living in the rich part of town.

DivorceCare covers a different topic each week for 13 weeks. Some weeks are about the emotional issues, like anger, depression, and loneliness. Some weeks are more practical, like financial survival, kidcare, and new relationships. The night usually starts with people talking about their weeks, and the challenges that they are going through. Then the video seminar is shown. These seminars are like spiritual energy bars, packed with information and based in scripture. Most people repeat the course and I see why, there is too much knowledge to absorb in one sitting. There is time after the video to talk about what we've learned. These discussions are full of laughter and tears, and I was quickly humbled to learn how mild my situation was compared to some others.

I attended DivorceCare for about a year. As I began to practice some of the things I was learning, I could feel the pressure bleeding off, and my life becoming more manageable. God was true to me. I ended up with a financial settlement that was fair. Most important, every attempt in court to reduce my visitation was turned down, and I now have a custody schedule that allows me to be a good father, and to play an active role in my daughter's life.

I am proud to have joined the congregation here at Holden Chapel. It's true, God hates divorce, but he doesn't hate us. Most churches don't know how to deal with divorce, and too many churches bayonet their wounded. In your support of the DivorceCare program, you bind our wounds and help us to heal.

Last summer, God blessed me with the ability to take my daughter on vacation for two weeks in southern Utah. We visited five national parks, and I was amazed by the beautiful but harsh desert landscape. One night thunderstorms came through. I noticed plants that looked near death from desert heat the day before were green and flowering that next morning. Imagine the relief that these plants felt when the first drops of water reached their roots after months of relentless heat and sun, how greedily they soaked up that life giving water.

It's been a long dry season for me, but monsoon clouds are overhead and I think I feel a couple of drops."