Surviving Divorce

In 2007 I completed the DivorceCare program and was asked to give a testimony to the congregation of Holden Chapel. Pastor Tom has a sense of humor, he scheduled this on Valentine's Day.

"Twenty four years ago, I was 22 years old. I was led by the Lord to a church in Marlboro, MA. where I accepted Jesus into my life, was baptized, and filled with the Holy Spirit. I continued with this church for a time, but I was young and stupid. Being a Christian is like climbing up an escalator going down. If you stop, you end up where you were. In the parable of the Sower, I was the seed planted in rocky ground, and I drifted back into a worldly life.

I was 33 when I got married for every wrong reason. When your standing at the altar, convicted by God that your not doing the right thing, and the best you can come up with is “Well, maybe this will work out...” your not embarking on the greatest love story of all time.

I won't speak about the details of my divorce, other than to say that it was contentious, and the most difficult issues were and still are related to custody and visitation. I'm at peace with the decision I made to leave, and God is blessing me with a wonderful relationship with my daughter that I never would have had if I had stayed.

What does divorce feel like? Mark 10:9 says “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” To that I would add “ or it's going to really, really hurt”. The mental and spiritual pain was overwhelming and crippling. Taking life one day at a time was too much to handle. Sometimes it was an hour at a time, or on court days “Lets just get through the next 10 minutes.”
Nothing in life was scarier than having total strangers who don't know me decide when or whether I'd be allowed to spend time with my daughter. I had to find a way to explain my leaving to her, and to reassure her that I was still her dad. I had to pay a lawyer a lot more money than what an uncontested divorce would have cost. I had to learn to live on half of my salary. I had to set up an apartment from scratch. When I left, I tried to take a couple of days off from work. I was a construction supervisor, and I was getting phone calls for things that “ only I could handle ” while I was out charging a twin mattress and blanket so that I'd have something to sleep on that night. The woman that pulled up next to me in BJ's parking lot must have wondered why I was crying.

Every day I was looking to God for help. I knew that I was still his son and always would be, and that he would answer. I was attending a mandatory divorce class run by the state of Massachusetts, where I met a woman who spoke highly of the DivorceCare program at the Holden Chapel. I had been seeing a secular counselor, but it left me feeling empty inside, and I needed something different.

My first night at DivorceCare I walked into a room full of women. Sitting near the door seemed like a good idea. Judy Groves, who runs the program, welcomed me and assured me that other men did attend. If you don't know Judy, your missing out. She is the perfect moderator for DivorceCare, with just the right mix of professionalism, humor and empathy. Now if only she can figure out the DVD player. Jan Hanson works with Judy, filling in when she's not there, and always offering her support to all. Judy and Jan are performing a great service to people in need through this program. Matthew 6:20 talks about storing up your treasure in heaven, and not on earth. Some day, many years from now, I'll visit Judy and Jan in heaven, because they'll be the ones living in the rich part of town.

DivorceCare covers a different topic each week for 13 weeks. Some weeks are about the emotional issues, like anger, depression, and loneliness. Some weeks are more practical, like financial survival, kidcare, and new relationships. The night usually starts with people talking about their weeks, and the challenges that they are going through. Then the video seminar is shown. These seminars are like spiritual energy bars, packed with information and based in scripture. Most people repeat the course and I see why, there is too much knowledge to absorb in one sitting. There is time after the video to talk about what we've learned. These discussions are full of laughter and tears, and I was quickly humbled to learn how mild my situation was compared to some others.

I attended DivorceCare for about a year. As I began to practice some of the things I was learning, I could feel the pressure bleeding off, and my life becoming more manageable. God was true to me. I ended up with a financial settlement that was fair. Most important, every attempt in court to reduce my visitation was turned down, and I now have a custody schedule that allows me to be a good father, and to play an active role in my daughter's life.

I am proud to have joined the congregation here at Holden Chapel. It's true, God hates divorce, but he doesn't hate us. Most churches don't know how to deal with divorce, and too many churches bayonet their wounded. In your support of the DivorceCare program, you bind our wounds and help us to heal.

Last summer, God blessed me with the ability to take my daughter on vacation for two weeks in southern Utah. We visited five national parks, and I was amazed by the beautiful but harsh desert landscape. One night thunderstorms came through. I noticed plants that looked near death from desert heat the day before were green and flowering that next morning. Imagine the relief that these plants felt when the first drops of water reached their roots after months of relentless heat and sun, how greedily they soaked up that life giving water.

It's been a long dry season for me, but monsoon clouds are overhead and I think I feel a couple of drops."